?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Aboot My Journal
Current Month
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031
Mar. 14th, 2005 @ 11:01 pm Rae
Emotion: boredbored
Noise: Andre Nickatina - Couger
A lot has happened since I last updated. Last time I even remembered I had a Livejournal I was still in Tallahassee. I decided to talk to my dad. He wanted me to come to Oly to get my court shit straight, so my older brother who lives in Jacksonville drove to pick me up and I spent almost a week with them. I had so much fun with them. The way they live is a lot different from the way I live but it all worked out well. I was there for my nephew's fifth birthday and the Super Bowl and things. It was really fun. When I got back to Oly things seemed like they were going to work out really well, but my innate fear of jail kicked in and I dissapeared. Homelessness sucks but when in time's of desperation those who are capable learn quickly. For the most part my homelessness has included hanging out/crashing out with Jon. For jobless lazy bastards we always had money, weed, alcohol, access to the car and gas in it to get us from one point of delinquency to the next. And I decided I wanted my wife back and I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. I don't know how but I managed to find a bunch of different ways to get to California... And two days after I got there my boi Jon was there to get us home. So here I am, homeless in my home, Olympia. But I'm with my wife, and some way some how things are going to be ok. We'll work it out and have our Big Much. I'll elaborate on the good times I've had sometime when I feel like explaining more. I'm here. I'm home, though homeless. I'm hopeful. I've made it through all this and I'll make it the rest of the way. I fucking rock.
Aboot This Rant
Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 01:51 am Newbie
Emotion: calmcalm
Noise: TV in the background
I can make a name for myself however I want. I can be whatever I want because no one knows anything about me. I went to the bar last night. You only have to be 18 to get in. I got the ladies to buy me hella drinks. I got drunk. I played pool. I danced. A lot. With a lot of people. I'm everything I never thought I could be. I'm not scared anymore. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do. It's a whole new world out here and I'm living it up more than I ever thought possible. Take things as they come. I love life, even the pain has purpose.

Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy.
Aboot This Rant
FU
Jan. 20th, 2005 @ 12:01 pm No NCO
Emotion: calmcalm
Noise: Whatever It Takes - Doctors Orders
So I went to court on Tuesday. The City of Lacey dropped the case, because there wasn't one. The No Contact Order was rescinded. Everything all went away. My life, everything and everyone in it was inconvenienced foralmost three months just to have it all go away like nothing happened. But I did learn a lot... had to grow up a lot... This was all supposed to happen for a reason, and I know part of that reason... But not all of it. In time I will, I just have to be patient and work with what I have learned. One of the biggest hurdles in front of me has been cleared. I have more to go but now I have the confidence and ambition. I know I can make, goddammit! I'm too awesome to be stopped.
Aboot This Rant
eyeball
Jan. 16th, 2005 @ 02:46 pm Punk Rock
Emotion: pissed offpissed off
Noise: Nailbomb - Religious Cancer
I'm way too punk rock for my own good. Some people just have to learn things the hard way, and I'm one of them. And I don't care what anyone says about how punk I am. You can kiss my fucking ass! RAWR! Life, every single day, everything is an adventure. I'm so going to live it up. Fuck everybody. I'm doin' it for me goddammit!
Aboot This Rant
FU
Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:59 am Last Two Lines
Emotion: sicksick
Noise: As I Lay Dying - Falling Upon Deaf Ears
the sound of silent voices surveying my thoughts
regularity defining perfection
neither sorrow nor contentment
whispering emptiness, frail words collapse
my weight only stirs the ground
how long can i hold your hand as you walk over graves
you search for tears of compassion
yet find the comfort of winter
reassurance dead like the falling leaves
losing hope in your unchanging ways
all of my strength cannot save you
if you are unwilling to help yourself
Aboot This Rant
FU
Dec. 31st, 2004 @ 02:40 am Done
Emotion: contemplativecontemplative
Noise: Bleeding Through - Number Seven With A Bullet
I'm waiting for word to make it official, but word or no word midnight tonight I'm free again. She's gone. Forget that. Maybe when she grows up she can come find me and try again. A new year. A new me. A new everything. Without her, without the pain, without the drama. I don't need anyone but me, and the next person I find will complement who I am... not become why I'm alive. She's still the one, now just isn't the time. I'll be fine. When she's ready, we can try this again. I can wait until then. I got a lot of other shit I can do. I can keep myself busy. Fuck keeping busy. If it never comes around again I'll be fine. I can live without it. And who knows, maybe I was wrong and the right person is still out there. I am only 19. I still feel it though. I'd almost guarantee that this really isn't over and that when the time is right everything will be as I expected. But now isn't the time so I'm gunna do something else.

To you: Feel the wrath, the hate, the anger, the emotion only you can bring out of me. You fucked up real good and you have a lot of shit to work out. So do that, aye. Figure out what you need to do and do it. When you're ready for this again, if the time ever comes, you'll be able to find me. I'll know the difference. Until then, stay the hell away from me. I did what I could for you now you gotta do some shit for yourself. If the time for us never comes around again... FUCKING TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD ONTO THAT HOPE ANYMORE. Otherwise, take care, keep your chin up and your nose clean. Do what you gotta do. You always wanted to be the adult who could make decisions all by herself, now make some adult decisions and get yourself together. Damn.
Aboot This Rant
FU
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 07:03 pm Confused... Again...
Emotion: sicksick
Noise: Bleeding Through - Number Seven With A Bullet
Has it all been a lie? Still? I know that I've proven myself, and I feel I've made myself clear. All or nothing but either way I need to know what it is (or isn't). All I can do is hope for the best, but I know what's really going on anyway. I have to make some serious changes. This is stopping. Tomorrow's the last day of this bullshit year and I'm not taking anymore bullshit next year. I just need to find out, again... I'll find out. And I'll make the right choice. There's only one left to make.
Aboot This Rant
FU
Dec. 25th, 2004 @ 10:28 pm Lesson
Emotion: sicksick
Noise: Bleeding Through - Revenge I Seek
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Aboot This Rant
FU
Dec. 24th, 2004 @ 12:37 pm Unholy Roman Martyr
Emotion: sicksick
Noise: Bleeding Through - Revenge I Seek
Your lies have tained me. I work, fight, die in the name of something you destroyed long ago... The sincerity of my actions were invalidated before I had a chance to take them and the heavy musk of silence prevented me from knowing when I should have... Everything I did was empty, the sickness was a part of me from the begining. The purity of our essence has forever been destroyed and you knowingly put that poison into me... I was your innocent victim. You betrayed me, then lied, and lied, and lied, and lied and now that I know the truth I don't know how to feel. Nothing will ever cleanse me of the stains you have left on me. What could I have done to deserve this? You say nothing... That this was all you. I find that hard to believe. The clean and pure at heart are never tainted by the deceit of the unholy and sinful. I want your sin, sickness, and bastard faith out of my soul, but I will never find the secret saint of my salvation, it's too late. I've been damned... This crusader, having fought with every ounce of their being, will die for their pure cause knowing that all the while they were fighting with the tainted blood of the treasonous coursing through her veins... You have made me my own enemy. And I cannot live with that. I cannot allow what you have put in me to be there. To heal my wounds... To purify myself again... I don't know if it's possible... If it is it won't happen when the source of my sickness is forever running away. You cannot undo the terrible things you have done and I fear you can never validate yourself again. I gave you a clean slate and you went back to your old ways. Once and sinner always a sinner. Forgiveness doesn't come in a shroud of secrecy in this faith. Intention isn't enough here. You can go on with faith and action, but you can never let go of what you have done. The cloud of doubt will threaten a rain of uncompromising retribution for a long time to come, and yet I will always provide you shelter from the storm. Do not use or abuse me again or you will find yourself in a place where I am no longer there to protect you and then what will you have? Nothing but your own mistakes and lies, and you won't be able to hide behind them. Do you hear my words, or does this simply seem like poetic injustice? Understand my intent, it is still, as it always has been, all for you.
Aboot This Rant
FU
Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 01:42 pm Gutted
Emotion: sicksick
Noise: Hole - Use Once & Destroy
The lies, the deceit... It's all a twisted web of shit and everyone's caught up in it. No one wants to say anything. Everyone is saying that it was everyone else who has stabbed me in the back, yet as they point at everyone else with one hand the other is concealing a knife behind their back. Everyone is guilty and no one speaks up because no one wants to be involved. How big of a person do you have to be do stop the pain? If anyone cared at all they would tell me everything and allow me to let it all go, but the more I find out the more I find out there's more to know. And the one person in the center of all this has been lying and been a terrible person and has been caught in the act. Caught in the lie, yet they still have the chance to come out on top and win. And still they continue on. Even the worst people go one way or the other when caught. They either walk away forever or come clean. And YOU still keep up the lies and maintain a plea of innocense despite everyone else saying otherwise. And I know there's more. I don't know what to do anymore. I should walk away. I should have a long time ago. And it only gets worse. All I need to let go is that one person to just end it. Two words and I can walk away. More would be appreciated, but two will do it. And instead I get led on further, and I follow. I'm that kind of person. My dedication is true, but that doesn't matter. Everyone might be invovled, everyone may be guilty but if I know better and choose to continue on... It's no one's fault but my own. I know it's all bullshit but I keep fighting. I can't blame that on anyone else. Not even her. I just want it to all be over one way or the other. And no one will even give me that. I must be the worst person on the face of the earth. If my enviroment is a reflection of me... There is some seriously fucked up shit. And I've been looking for it. I know I have to see it before it can change and I've been trying my best but I just don't see it... It's killing me. What have I done that was so bad? I need help, I can't keep on fighting like this for very long. My body is ready to shut down on me and I keep telling it that I can't stop now because I made promises to her I have to keep. Why do I care so much? Why can't someone just let go? If she doesn't care why won't she let me go? And if I know it's over why won't I walk away? Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Who knows... Seems like everyone but me... Oh well. My own fault.
Aboot This Rant
eyeball